literature

What a job

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Literature Text

Tai kai wai

Walter wiggled his tail nervously, a habit none too useful indoors, where it twitched briefly into a frying vat, getting a nice golden brown coating. There didn't seem to be anyone else here, not other candidates, or anyone to interview him for the job. He tried, unsuccessfully to wrap his body into something resembling a comfortable pose, but the restaurant was cramped, hot and greasy, and with so much body to watch out for, it was only a matter of time before part of it went somewhere it shouldn't. He scowled. This is what you got for relying on Allethaen for employment; it had been this or selling his body on the chinese medicine market. (Or, at least he hoped Al had been talking about the medicine market, the alternatives were even more disturbing.)

"Ah, you are here for the job yes?"

Something resembling a walking prune had emerged from somewhere behind the counter and was eyeing him with the look of someone who had found something unpleasant on the bottom of their shoe.

"Ah, they really sent me some real Gou shi didn't they? Oh well, if you fail at least you are good for selling to old men yes? Hahaha!"

The laugh was like water going down the drain, the man was practically a walking corpse. Walter hadn't understood the chinese (Or was is malaysian?) term used, having been raised in Dixie and going to a private school, but he made a note to learn it, and to change his name. He decided to humour the old man.

"Hahaha, yes, actually, that only applies to dragon horn, which-"

"Yes, yes, either way, the furries pay well. You're hired, you get $4 and hour and many free noodles, but you must learn the way of tai-kai-wai."

Walter straightened up, smacking his head on the ceiling (Easy to do if there is over 10 feet of you to straighten.) This was more like it, he was going to learn about chinese culture, this would make the job worthwhile. Now what was tai-kai-wai?

"I see you are confused, this is probbably due to your idiocy, you shall have a new name, Ji-bai, as you are about to embark upon the path to enlightenment."

Alright! A new name! It probbably meant something like 'eager pupil' he'd have to look it up when he got home, as soon as he could afford a home to go to. (There just didn't seem to be any lairs at affordable prices on the market, it was quite distressing.)

"Good, now you will be instructed in the art of tai-kai-wai; but be warned. To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul, for you are like an uncooked noodle, brittle and easily broken, it will take much boiling in the heat of instruction before you are ready."

"Um, so like training?"

"No, boiling."

"Oh. Ah, um, just how long will that take?"

"Tai-kai-wai is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon, Sha gua

"Ummm, is it alright if I leave now?"

"You are hired, that is the contract, I asked for a worker and student and have received one, remember, to the divine a year is as a day, and a day a year."

"A year? I'm going to spend a year learning to beat people up?

"No, Chun zi; a year learning to deliver, at the very least, such dedication is demanded from your job. Tai-kai-wai is the beef and broccoli of dedication, not the sweet and sour pork of violence.

"Whoa! I'm learning takeaway? That does it, I'm going back there and giving Al a piece of my mind!

"Ah, you fail to grasp tai-kai-wai, Ha bang; let me demonstrate it to you."

There was a blur, a whack and Walter found himself sprawled against the far wall of the restaurant, his head ringing from the impact. He'd been booted in the head. He pulled his tail out of a large vat of pork balls before it cooked and set to vigorously cooling it down and cleaning it off.

"You are fortunate young dragon, few have experienced so much to tai-kai-wai so soon, my last employee for example; alas, I do not think furries have the correct temperament to learn."

Walter stopped licking his tail when he realized that among the pork balls and sauce was a rather large cat collar, of the kind he'd seen worn during his brief stint as an otherkin. (They kicked him out of the commune less due to the fact that he claimed to be a human in a dragon form and more due to the fact that he attempted to become a dragon in a pet iguana's form, despite the fact she was well over age.)

"Um, is there perhaps some way we could kinda negotiate?"

"You wish to experience more of tai-kai-wai?"

"No, no, need at all, I'll take it at my own pace, new and all, year day and such."

"Excellent, now we must remove the rats from the coal cellar, they are at harvestable size, and seem to have consumed my cats. This will be a great lesson in working in cramped conditions, and pain tolerance."

With a mild concussion setting in, Walter slithered towards the basement, consoling himself with two thoughts, the first involving Alethean and a large cauldron of molten lead, the other the reflection that this was a great improvement on his last job, selling American flags in Baghdad.

END
This arose from discussions with :devAlethean: about a certain character of his, whom has had a series of disastrous jobs, and a contest to find the worst of these has been started. (So far the entries are this and renting himself out as a toothpick/backscratcher/tie/romantic company to larger dragons.) a job so terrible it makes working for the homicidal and insane Ziblink worthwhile.
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DaVince21's avatar
This was fun to read! I do not know the character Walter visually, but I have a perfectly fine imagination to, er, imagine. Clumsy looks come to mind. ^_^