Not a finisher

Not a finisher


The small, brown creature poked its way amongst the the oddly shaped glassware are bubbling liquids that filled the room, as they did all the others. This room was unique however, in that it had rather a more... organic feel to it. Instead of pure chemical solutions many of the glass containers harbored formaldehyde and preserved specimens of what looked like the work of a god with simultaneous hiccups and bipolar disorder. There were cages too, containing things that could only be called animals by virtue of the fact that plants and Halloween costumes didn't move about by themselves. They made a variety of distressing and unnatural noises.

Finally the small creature came to the centerpiece of the unholy collection, a rather manic looking individual who, it appeared, was trying to take apart an octopus with a screwdriver. The octopus was having somewhat more success in fighting back and there was ink everywhere.


'Hem hem.'

'Ah! Zigor! Help me with this will you? I need to refill my fountain pen!'

'You mean that thing that only draws pictures of water features?'

'Exactly!'

'Well I'd been meaning to ask if you had managed to finish that serum I requested? The one that would let me have octopus metal arms like that guy in Spiderman?'

The figure paused, possibly confused, possibly embarrassed, possibly considering whether their conversation partner would be easy to stuff and mount over their fireplace.


'What? Oh. No. Sorry, no. Been a bit busy I'm afraid.'

'Busy? Doing what?'

'Pushing the bounds of science! I can confidently say that I have pushed them further in the last month than at any time in the past 12 years!'

The small creature was interested, though it was hard to tell under all the fuzz.

'Really? What are you working on this time? Immortality? A superior intelligence? USB ports that you don't have to twiddle around to use?'

'No, something better! You know how they say the early bird gets the worm?'

The creature nodded. Being distinctly avian it was well aware of that particular proverb and had often wondered if that was why there were no early worms.


'Well I thought that it'd be so much better if the worm were bacon!'

'I... don't get where you;re going with this.'

'Behold, my latest creation, Chaetopterus pugaporcinus or the pigbutt worm!'

There was a flourish, then a crash as the doctor blundered into a collection of preserved hen's teeth, shattering an entire table's worth of expensive laboratory glassware. Shaking himself off and ignoring the gentle hiss of acid eating into the floor the doctor stumbled over to a covered tank where the noise of an aquarium filter could be clearly discerned.

There was another flourish, punctuated by further shattering as the dustcloth involved knocked into more glassware. A collection of exotic slugs began making a slow but determined bid for freedom. And in the tank...


'Those are floating butts.'

'PIG butts!'

'For the love of all mad science, why?'

'Butt bacon is the tastiest bacon.'

'They're literally floating butt worms.'

'Yes, that's the point.'

'What... what happened to the squidbear? The storkel? That elephant bat thing that would fertilize fields?'

'Oh I didn't like them enough to finish them.'

'But you finished the butt worm?'

'Yes, my finest achievement to date!'

'Ok, this is where I wonder about the benefits of hiring a mad scientist as opposed to the regular kind.'