Meaning - Part 2

The Meaning of Yiff
     part 2 -
The unnecessary sequel

Once there was a kiwi called Ziblink; she spent her time zibbing. (This had nothing to do with her name, zibbing was a proud family tradition and she was trying to keep it going.) She zibeed along nicely until she came across Unspeakably Violent Gal, the Beret-Bearing, Bull-Buggering Bastard of Lancaster, whom she spent a night of passion with, till he ripped her head off and used her beak as chopsticks. That taught her a very important lesson about talking to people whose middle name is 'Violent' (That is, you shouldn't do it.

That is why this story is not about the deceased Zib, it is instead about Draconis the dwarf dragon and his search for a nice pair of pants. This epic quest was sparked off when the prime minister of Cambodia came to visit him in his treasure cave.
"Excuse me sir," he said. "Would you mind getting a pair of pants? You're upsetting my secretary."
"Of course." said Draconis lying through his snout. (A very uncomfortable way to lie indeed!) and making sure to make several sommersaulting dashes past the Cambodian goverment offices singing 'My love is like a red red rose.' Offers or marrige flowed in. (They were written in glasses of water.) A one legged furry took up residence under his bed, she was 55 years old reverse transvestite Alexsi Yiffburg. Draconis was fascinated by the way she hopped around the room posting porn.
"Marry me!" she pleaded.
"I don't think that's a good idea." said Draconis "I mean, you're an old, possibly male furry, it won't work out."
"I own several million dollars worth in top quality webspace." she purred seductively.
"I accept!" said Draconis, giddy with money. "Even if you are a cat."

"How'd you get in here anyway?" he asked.
"She snuck past the security guards." replied Draconis' best friend, a puppy made entirely of quarks, who was thus known as Daphne.
"But there aren't any security guards."
"Exactly!" said Quarkpup. In the distance a Llama barked. 'I'll get him.' thought Draconis.
"I think she's leading you up the garden path." said Quarkpup. Quite why he said this was a mystery, as it was quite obvious she was kneeling by his bed; it was either poor eyesight or something to do with the many bottles of imported beer he and Mr Drunken Teddy had consumed the previous night. (The knight wasn't feeling to good either, in fact he had a terrible feel, she was Rebecca Parks of Norwich.)

Alexsi smiled, she had a face like George Bush turned upside down; Draconis only screamed for twenty minutes when he saw it.
"I'm not that bad!" said Alexsi.
"I'm not done screaming yet." said Draconis.
"Hey, *you're* marrying the woman." said QP.
"Ah, it's a woman is it?" said Draconis incredulously.
"Hey! I just had a facelift!"
"Glad I wasn't in the lift with you then."
"Qp! She has a kind face!"
"Yes, the wrong kind."

With this they all went off to test Draconis' new coke alarm; if there was coke in the house it exploded. There was a dull boom, and everyone went around looking for the coke. Eventually they found it in the fridge and threw it outside.
"Ouch!" Said a passing felon.
"Is this your coke?" asked a handy policeman, handcuffing himself to the felon.
"Yes, but don't bring it in, it sets off the alarm." answered Draconis.
"Excellent!" said the policeman, beating the felon.

QP's car was bust; he drove a hard bargain, and it was a Skoda. Draconis peered under the hood, then looked at the car.
"It's the distributor." he said plainly, putting the cloak in the pilot's seat.
"Damn, I'll get the bastard." replied Qp. They called an AA man; the AA man came, (With help from the Gal next door.) he didn't fix the car, but everyone felt much better when he left. In the distance a Llama barked. "I'll get him.' though Draconis.

There was a tap at the door, he turned it on, it was his friend. Kreuz.
"Wonderful news Kreuz!" said Draconis.
"Oooh, that sounds good." said Kreuz.
"I'm going to do something I always wanted to do."
"Well, I'm going to leave the room till you're finished."
'I've promised my self to another."
"Really? Then I'll have another too." said Kreuz downing a bottle of brandy.
"Shouldn't you have consumed the drink instead?" asked Draconis as Kreuz picked glass splinters from her teeth.
"There is a problem, she's of the yiffy persuasion." Qp cautioned.
"Nonsense, she doesn't need persuading!" interjected Draconis.
"Ah, okay, so long as she isn't a damn furry." replied Kreuz. Draconis explianed.
"Ah, I'm getting the drift of it." said Kreuz.
"Well it wasn't me!" said Qp "Open a window!"
"She's a fine upstanding lass." said Draconis. "With one leg, that's all she can do."
"Pretty?" inquired Kreuz.
"Not really, more like ugly." said Draconis diplomatically from France.
"Well I hope you can support her."
"If I stand on the side with no leg, yes."
"So are you going to have any children?"
"Me, hell no!, but she's agreed to have three, we were going to have five, but every fifth child in the world is chinese they say." finished Draconis. Everyone stayed for dinner; there wasn't any, but they stayed anyway. Later the couch caught fire and warmed the place up.

The wedding was held in the reformed Mosque. (There was nothing wrong with the local church, but it had been sold and made into a reformed Mosque.)
"If anyone has an objection to this union, let them speak now or forever be silent." intoned a local isralei hostage.
"Five to two it won't last!"
"Seven to three on."
"Evens!" Kreuz went around collecting bets, interrupting the service. (Pfft, some service, they hadn't even been given the first course! But then, people there put so many buttons in the collection plate their shirts fell off.)
"This is the last time I have an Islamic wedding." complained Draconis.
"Last? I thought it was your first? You're a bigamist?" queiried Alexsi. In the distance a Llama barked, the cleric tied it's snout with twine and pulled the gal out of the holy water. (Yes, Muslims make holy water, they boil the hell out of it.) They'd actually managed to find the furries' father.
"I give my daughter's hand, forearm, ribcage and other vital bits in marrige,inviting my son in law into the house of Allah." (Draconis didn't like the decor, so they left.)
"So we're married?" Draccy askked.
"No, you must first give her a silver coin as a symbol of your devotion." At the mention of cost, Draconis fainted. A passing Knight tossed a bucket of water on him
"Gosh! I didn't know there were showers here!" he said, instantly his old self. (I.e, broke.)
"If you have no coin, something else shiny will suffice." said the cleric. Draconis covered his bride in aluminium wrap.
"Curses! Foiled again!" she said.
"You're too old for her>" cautioned Kreuz
"Nonsense! I have the body of a 248 year old!" retorted Draconis.
"Really? Where do you keep it?" In the distance a Llama barked. 'I'll get him.' though Kreuz.
"Blast! He's broken the twine!" said the cleric. A passing Gal began pulling out his pants pockets in annoyance.
"No! Not the white-eared elephant!" cried the cleric "Last time that happened, people stayed away for a month!"
"Jealousy!" said the passing gal
"Now the exchange of gifts." said the cleric as the Gal finished passing, all over the floor. Draconis gave a small pile of gemstones. (They were all sharp and spiky, unpleasant to sleep on, not at all like gold.) He got a set of silverware.
"This stuff is fake!" said Kreuz "Silver plated copper, like the bride's earings."
"Ah, that explains it" said Draconis rubbing the green marks on his thigh. A collection was held, four people injured themselves jumping out of windows. The cleric turned the pages of the Koran, an issue of playboy fell out.
"Curses! Isralei terrorist plots!" he said. With that a passing policeman grabbed all the jews in attendance and bodily threw them out. (Not without difficulty, like all goverment buildings, policeman's trousers have no ballroom.)
"Are we married now?" said Alexsi "I've had it up to here!"
"Really? I've got to meet him sometime" said Draconis enviously.
"How much longer do you want us?" grumbled Alexsi.
"Hmmn, combined height is six foot eleven, that's long enough." quipped the cleric.

The wedding fell through. (Two storeys.) Few were injured, though a local pigeon fanciers gathering was interrupted. The attendants took the pigeons they fancied and went home. For this Draconis was prosecuted for breaking the piece. (It was the local magistrate's and he'd landed right on it.) His lawyer was the famous A. Nycteris She rose, and rose, and rose. That was it.
She's a poor dragon's lawyer." explained Draconis.
"I didn't know you were that poor." said the judge. "Who is the witness?"
"I am." said a passing knight with an unspellable name.
"I see. Are you familiar with pigeons?
"Yes your honor, ever since my last girlfriend left."
"Right, foreman of the jury, have you reached a decision?"
"Yes, I want to go home."
"No, how do you find the defendant?"
"Over there, inthe witness box."
"Your honor," said the knight. "This dragon deliberatly forced a marriage to enlarge his hoard."
"Nonsense!" said Draconis. "I stay far away from the red light district!"
"Oh yeah? You have call girls visit so often, you had the door taken off!" said a voice.
"I did not! I just had the catflap enlarged!"
"Who the hell are you?" asked the judge of the mysterious interjecter.
"An amnesiac."
"What is your name?"
"If only I knew!" wailed the voice.
"Your honour! There is something I want to say!" piped Draconis.
"Yes?"
"It's bloody hard sleeping on a pile of body piercings, can't we all wear old fashioned treasure these days?"
"What was that?"
"Something I wanted to say your honor."
"Very well, but who killed the pigeon?"
"I did." said the Nancie Luvr, an infamous pigeon assassin.
"I see, you had a gun on the wedding day, do you normally carry a gun?"
"Yes your honor, quite normally."
"And you have a license?" Nancie showed her license.
"This is a dog license."
"Yes, I normally carry a Llama too."
"I don't see how a dog license lets you carry a gun *or* Llama." In the distance a Llama barked. 'I'll get him.' thought Nancie.
"Ah, everything's in order then." (Actually, the only things in order were a big mac, coke and fries.)
"You are still accused of shooting a carrier pigeon."
"I am? Wait till I tell Daisy!"
"I can't wait that long, how do you plead?"
"Like this your honor: Pllllz, PLLLLZZZ don't send me to jail!"
"What about the hole in my mosque? Who's paying for it?" yelled the cleric.
"You don't pay for holes, otherwise they'd be in shops." said the judge. "Case dismissed, this dragon is innocent! Furthermore he is awarded $50'000 in damages and a snug pair of pants!"

A cheer went up from the crowd. In the distance, nothing happened, Draconis had got him It had been a good day, now a lifetime of luxury travel beckoned. Adjusting his new pants and grinning from ear to ear (He'd bitten two off a passing motorist.) Draconis boarded the Titanic.

THE END